The Loss of My Dad to Cancer-Feeling and Being Open is OK. By Kelly

For those that want to try and understand. Please read the article Click Here , it helped me decide to share my story or ramblings.  The view point is a little different but still explains a lot. This is not meant to hurt anyone. This is just my feelings.

I am not one to wear my emotions on my sleeve.  But I also think that by sharing maybe it can help others that may be going through something similar to know your feelings are yours. You can feel whatever you want. Or maybe it is just to help me, get my feelings out there for my own good. Who knows?  We all grieve in different ways for different amounts of time, no one story is the same. I don’t think I will ever not grieve the loss of my dad.  Maybe one day it will be less. But not a day goes by that I don’t think about Dad. 

Watching your hero, handy man, knows something about everything, best friend, travel buddy, strong, friendly and most amazing Dad wither away and needing help with basic every day things is the hardest thing I have ever had to witness. 

My story is different. I haven’t really shared my true feelings until now.

 We find out my dad has an incurable highly deadly brain cancer.  At that point I wasn’t sure what to feel. All I could think was what the F***.  I don’t think I ever remember my dad being sick. How could this happen to him?  How could this happen to me, my family?  The selfishness rises, there goes my future ski trips with my dad, hopes of bringing my family to the cabin with dad, he was going to tile my bathroom floor (PS after Dad’s surgery he sat on my floor and chiseled concrete … Only an amazing dad with a drive to live up to his promises would do that) now how will this happen? Then the emotion and thoughts of stop thinking about yourself, you DAD is dying. Your Mom is losing her husband, your siblings are losing their dad, his friends and clients are losing a man that has been there to support them and provide a wealth of knowledge.  Now what the hell do we do?  I remember the ride home.  My dad was angry as well. All I could do was sit in the back seat and try to be as strong as possible. We went to my parents’ house that night for dinner, we tried to be as normal as you can be in a situation where you just found out your dad has maybe 18 months left to live if he is lucky.

My Dad went through tests, treatments, ER visits, ambulance rides, 2 brain surgeries.  We are lucky that we have a pretty tight and strong immediate family, extended family and friends. We supported each other the best we could.  There was so much unknown. How much time do we have, how can he be in so much pain and nobody can figure out why.  He is sick, why won’t the Drs listen. Then they finally do and they apologize.  It makes you angry, feel belittled and you realize that Drs don’t always know everything and you need to be the voice. Thankfully, my cousin Lisa was there to be a medical advocate and help us understand and learn how to stand up and speak out.  Throughout this time, I struggled.  How do I live my life, be with my Dad as much as possible, keep my job, be a wife and dog mom?  Somehow, I managed it, probably putting less effort towards many of those things and not really caring about others outside of my family. Sorry, not sorry.

Acceptance. Ok, this is happening. What do we do, what do I do? How do I help my dad live out the rest of his life?  Sometimes, we in my view, forced him to do things, probably out of selfishness and grasping for some normalcy.     It reminds me of the Tim McGraw song “Live like you are dying.” However, you hear all the extraordinary things they do in this song.  But then you look at your Dad and think he can’t do any of that. He can’t walk for long periods of time, his strength diminished so fast that simple tasks of cooking, carrying a grocery bag, raking leaves, the list goes on and on can’t even be accomplished. That song is wrong.  Life isn’t like that. 

Anger/frustration.  Nobody understands….  People would tell me I understand it is hard. Oh, you know? Have you watched your parent go through all of this? Have you sat there next to your Dad in his hospital bed DYING, Talking and not making sense, not be able to lift himself up to go to the bathroom, watching him communicate with what only I can think of as the “other side” You think you have an idea of how I am feeling. All I wanted to scream was “you have no F****** idea, just stop.”  I would be angry when I would hear people talk about putting off seeing their parents because they had more important things in life to do. In my head I was screaming “you are stupid, I would give anything in the world to have my dad ask me to go fishing or go out to eat.”  One of the things I was the most angry about was working.  How can I work at a time like this?  I have X amount of time to be with my Dad. The last thing I want to do is work.  My boss changed throughout this process and it was horrible. This boss had no idea. I know it is not their job to worry about my personal life.  But dude, My Dad is far more important than my job or me caring one turd about you thinking I am slacking or that I should not take personal days for my Dad’s appointments. Let alone the things this person said to me.  I will admit I was also angry and frustrated with Chance. Why, I have no idea. I know he didn’t and doesn’t understand, but how can I be mad at him for not understanding. It is just how you feel at that time. You aren’t wrong and they aren’t wrong. I think I was angry with some friends that I didn’t feel showed the support I would have hoped. Again, not their fault It I an odd situation that many people don’t know how to handle. I am the same way I wouldn’t know what to do.

Finding out I was pregnant… December 22^nd, 2016. Excitement, joy, despair and anger.  Holy Moly after months of trying to get pregnant it finally happened.  I was initially very excited, and happy. Then angry. Why now after so many months, when things are going downhill for my dad. Why now?  The first thing I asked Chance was should we tell my parents?  We contemplated it for a tiny bit. Then decided, yes.  I wanted to be able to tell my Dad, we didn’t know how much time he had left. So, on December 23^rd, we told my Mom and Dad.  Thankfully we did, because 18 days later my Dad passed away. My Dad, was I guess you could say happy. I am not sure he totally understood at that point. To be completely honest, I was also sad and angry.  My Mom and siblings were happy. But with social media these days you see the videos of the grandparents/family finding out and they are so beyond excited. We obviously didn’t get this.  Was I expecting it yes, but at the same time, no.  Am I still mad. NO WAY.  Life sucked at that point, it is hard to muster super happy feelings when you feel your lowest.  I won’t lie. I struggled. I was tired, from the pregnancy, life, not being home often and the ups and downs of being happy and sad.  It was hard to hide the pregnancy.  Lots of Jack Daniels was flowing near the end (that I couldn’t partake in) and I wasn’t able to help with certain things in caring for my Dad, as I would have liked to. Maybe on the other side being so consumed in being with my Dad helped me to not feel sicker than I did.  I was also extremely jealous of my sister, niece and nephew. To the point that I was angry and trying so hard not to show it.  My sister got the excitement from us all when we found out she was pregnant.  My niece and nephew got to spend time with my dad and have picture memories. My sister has memories of my dad and her kids, his excitement to see them and watch him, play with her kids, show them new things and experience firsts.  I am not the person to be jealous and I most certainly did not want anyone to know this.  It is not their fault, I shouldn’t be feeling this way, but I was.  I don’t want anyone to feel bad.  I am so happy they got these times and memories.  Just sad that I will never have them and neither will Charlie. My Kid was supposed to have this amazing relationship with my Dad. Fishing, skiing, learning to fix things and be proud in what they do. Now that is my task, I am fortunate to have those memories and experiences. I will share them and keep my Dad’s memory alive. 

2 weeks leading up to his passing…   At this point I was sad and in a fog.  But also, aware of what is to come.  The life is gone from dad’s eyes, He doesn’t eat or drink anything for days on end.  He is mumbling at the ceiling, talking to who knows. He is angry that he cannot get out of bed, but can only communicate this with being angry and trying with all his will to get up.  His skin is turning grey. NOBODY should ever have to experience this. It was odd this felt normal after a few days. We celebrated his 60^th birthday on January 5^th with friends, family and jack Daniels (dad’s favorite).  Each day and night you want to be there by his side and to support my Mom.  The times you are away you are afraid of every phone call from family, thinking this is it. He is gone.  You sit there telling him it is ok to go, but wishing a miracle would happen and bring him back to his normal self.  We switched off spending the night so my Mom didn’t have to be alone.  This is where I was not jealous of my sister and felt horribly sad for her.  She had to not only balance her life and emotions but the life and emotions of her kids.  They were/are young. Not sure why grandpa is lying in bed and not talking or playing. Having to juggle wanting to be there for my dad and mom but also being home with her kids and giving them a “normal” life.

January 10^th, 2017.  My brother Tom and I stayed overnight.  I got up at 11 or 12 am to give my dad his medicine.  Finally, after this I feel asleep. Sleep was hard to come by.  At 2am my mom and brother woke me up.  My Dad had passed. He had Given everything he had the past couple weeks. In the quite of the early morning he took his last breath, while we slept.  I remember not really feeling anything. Maybe even a sense of calm and peace. Also, not really knowing how I should feel.  We called my sister, she came over. I called Chance to let him know.  My Brother called the funeral home and a few hours later they showed up to take my dad.  Me being me threw out a couple jokes. My way of dealing with emotional or uncomfortable situations.  All I knew was the next few days would continue to be long as we got all the plans in place for the wake and funeral.  We disagreed on whether to bury dad’s ashes or scatter them some place.    My mom and Dad, I guess didn’t believe in the scattering part. I on the other hand don’t understand burial. You pay all this money to have a plot and stone, for what? To go there and talk to a stone?  I wanted to have a place that was beautiful and had some significance to my dad, that I could go and reflect on the good times. Oh well. 

The days to follow I will not deny that I was tired of people. There were so many people. Which is amazing! It goes to show the impact my dad’s life had on others. But, at some point it is tiring. Like I said, I  try not to show my full emotions and that is tiring. Also, again trying to hide a pregnancy, yes take care of myself and my unborn baby, was hard.  But I am truly thankful for all the support and help we had from family and friends. I was also amazed by those that did show up, people you would never expect, yet you felt so happy they were there for you.  All the food, flowers, stories and memories really help you through those long days.

In the end, losing my Dad has been and will continue to be the hardest period in my life. Losing someone this important doesn't change one day, it changes your entire life. Nobody truly understands the relationship my dad and I had.  We could argue about the dumbest stuff and the next moment, be at the bar drinking beer or eating some good food.  I don’t know if I will ever be ‘OK’ with my dad not being here.  I miss him every day and at the oddest times.  To me this means that I had the most amazing person in my life! 

TO MY MOM:

Mom, Stronger than she knows.  She kept apologizing and continues to apologize.  She didn’t give my Dad cancer why is she sorry? She shouldn’t be sorry that she is asking for help, sad or mad. Her and my dad gave us everything and has always supported us. Why shouldn’t we do everything we can to be of support and help?  DON’T BE SORRY.  She continued to work, bring my dad to appointments, coordinate visits, insurance, his work, our lives, holidays and so much more.  She never puts herself first and she needed/needs to.  You are stronger than you know. We have no idea what you went through or continue to go through.  But please know you can do anything. You have done and will continue to live and be ok.  Yes, things have been shitty the past few years and you lost your best friend, husband and so much more.  I can’t help you with your own emotions but I can say this.  LIVE. Be Happy. Go on adventures and trips.  Spoil your grand kids (especially Charlie 😉) Put yourself first. Say No. Say Yes.  Be spontaneous. Laugh often. Be Angry. Love. Eat Chocolate cake for dinner! Do whatever you want. Grieve. Have fun. Remember Dad and talk about him as much as you want, whenever you want.  Most of all Mom, I want you to be happy and not so sad.  Dad would want you to live life to the fullest and one day in the far, far, farrrrrr future you will see him again. 




My Final thoughts.  Don't keep saying I will do it tomorrow, I will travel tomorrow, I will see them tomorrow. Do it today. You are not guaranteed tomorrow. I myself need to remember this.  Cherish those closest to you, there may come a day they are no longer there or that they will need to be your biggest support.  Take pictures. They help with memories, laughter and remembrance.